I knew from that instance
That it was you
All along I have been a blind shell
Hollow
Shallow
A tiny fish
In a big ass pond
But when I leaned my head against your
Perfume-ridden pillow
And closed my eyes
All I could see was peace
If there was any way to describe peace
As was any ways to describe your scent
I could not find it
Your smell, instantly frozen in my heart
Took only a split second
To take me away
Somewhere
So silent
Still
And happy
That I knew what contentment was
There was I
With you
With a family
Happy.
At peace.

Suddenly
I jerked so violently
As my breath took an exhalation of jubilance
It took back to this heaven in my pillow
All ruptured
Torn

And suddenly
I realized that
Heaven
For a person like me
Does not exist

And as I desperately tried again
To close my eyes and to go back to that scene
Trying, but to no avail
There I was
Lingering on the thought
Seeing us
With a baby girl who looks like you
And a baby boy who smiles like you
It all but went quickly away
And as I stumbled to the toilet to wash
My tears away
Looking down
I saw the blood.