Lost

I have loved only two people in my life, one is B and the other is you.

And with that, I lost both of you.

I try to imagine what I could have done differently, maybe I shouldn't have gotten in that bus, maybe I shoul have just shut up that day, or maybe I should have just sat there a little longer. The more I think about it, the more painful it gets. To think that I might have done something, anything, to not loose you.

I'm rambling I know. I'm downing brandy today, because the ringing in my ears won't stop. Because my heartbeats are painful everytime they realize that your not in sync with my heart anymore.

I do know what needs to be done. I do know what needs to be said and heard and advised. I have the map. And yet I still feel lost.


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Today

From the tons of books I've read, from the pages of diaries I've kept, from the movies I've eagerly anticipated to the music that I excessively drank, its kindda difficult to separate true feelings to make believe. Most of the times, I look at my life like a tv series, a successful soap opera full of twists and turns that when it becomes a bit repetitive and boring, something happens. I've contemplated on my past decisions and yet still keep repeating the same mistake over and over again.
My mom and dad, when they were still together, were in my eyes, angels. After sunday church (these are the memories I can remember), we'd go to jollibee and eat. Afterwards, we'd go to Bundalian (a stationary store) to get my set of stationaries ( I used to collect them). Then we would go visit my lola who owned a shoe store and I'd eat shaved ice and coconut on the steps outside. I was happy. I think all kids can find happiness in little pleasures...
Then my parents separated and my world came crashing down.
I've always thought that if they didn't, that I would be a totally different person today. I'd be more sophisticated, I wouldve kept my old friends, I probably would have been married by now, with kids, a life totally different from what I have today...
(To be continued-- too sad today)
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Thinking

Can't sleep. Again.

I stared at my white ceiling with its circular shaped luminaires, the brushed stainless steel edging faintly glowing with the lamp I have on while I was reading Audrey Niffenegger's Her Fearful Symmetry. Cluthing Osso Bear and Dugong (my stuffed bear and seal) by my side, I feel almost safe and at ease. Everything that I have either in my bed (newly changed sheets; zebra-printed wool blanket on top of my chocolate colored covered mattress, 4 white pillows, 3 brown ones, a very cozy black comforter and my stuffed animals) or me, whose hair is still damp from the lovely bath I had, all should contribute to my moment of rest. I even have an Amuin linen spray in Lavander to help me ease into a state of dreaminess (as the lady in Beauty Bay said) but to no avail. Couldn't help it thoughN after this point, there's only so much a person could do so that she can sleep.

Probably owing to the tiring deal of wanting to sleep a little early today (its 12.35am here in Dubai) is the fact that I've been stressed and pissed off today. I had a "trailing-mail fight" with one of my seniors, who, in fact, just sent me a lousy e-mail at 10.33pm today (last night, technically).

As I continue to stare, my mind wanted to feel more irritated so I started to ponder on flashbacks. What happened to my life? What mistakes did I do?

And then, it suddenly hit me. I'm already feeling shitty, and instead of dwelling on my regrets, why not make the most of my blessings. Sure, I've had a very unusually tiring day, but that doesn't mean ill have a bad day again tom. Its up to me really, to just finish what I start and move on to the next phase. isn't this life as we know it?

Thank God I'm sleepy now.

Journals really help.

Ciao bello!
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Test Shot

Hala naloko na! Nawili.

Test post with image.


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Today

I promised myself nuon pa na I'd blog regularly... I'm the type of person who has soooo much on her mind at hindi mapakali. Sometimes I get these thoughts as fluid as water and I want to retain them, kaso I am so tamad writing. Thank God I have a new device, to which I am greatful, kasi anytime I can just chatter away in this small private world that I call my own, na kahit ano isulat ko okay lang. Its mine, and in truth, this is my heart.

A lot happened today, but no use in dwelling in the past when I'm not wallowing in my sea of self-pity today. For now, I'm just lying down on bed, nakabungisngis kasi I can type my thoughts sa new Blackberry8900. Saya ko lang talaga.

Worth the investment.

ciao bello!
Mhykie
Empower your Business with BlackBerry® and Mobile Solutions from Etisalat

Testing blackberry to blogger so that I can update my blog regularly
Empower your Business with BlackBerry® and Mobile Solutions from Etisalat